Mad Libs Monday

Got this from Barb, and sent it around (you can see hers at www.airynothing.com). Here are the results:

A typical day for Sarah Elizabeth Green Haggerty.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the pine sap from my Achilles tendon and put on my girdle. I say goodbye to Orville Redenbacher and I Greyhound bus to a Poughkeepsie where I am an Instructional Designer. I feel delicious about what I do, sure I’d rather be a Rectal Thermometer Tester in Vatican City, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of pet rocks that I can catapult.

My morning is pretty furtive. Aside from my 729 trips to the galley to coif my hair and my moist encounter with Barbara, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Dave Herman over a fabulous plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to The House of Blues to Colonel Angus Diana, who’s a total reluctant pirate bride, and it’s back to the grind, until 3:07 p.m. when I jump in my puffy orange Vespa and head for home.

My evening is spent recycling and listening to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch while doing yoga around the dressing room wishing I was Paige and drinking all sorts of Tang. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of monkeys and Jenni Sadique in support hose.

A typical day for John.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the gum from my nose and put on my underwear. I say goodbye to George Best and I bike to Nepal where I am a pubber. I feel bluish about what I do, sure I’d rather be a CEO in Brazil, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of sheep that I can kick.

My morning is pretty (adjective). Aside from my 7 trips to the powder room to shave and my pretty encounter Di, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Dave over a smart plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to home to shake hands with Sarah, who’s a total Dracula, and it’s back to the grind, until 3:30 p.m. when I jump in my dark red bus and head for home.

My evening is spent sleeping and listening to Coldplay while playing soccer around the den wishing I was Sir Matt Busby and drinking all sorts of whiskey. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of bottles and Simon Mayo in a neck tie.

A typical day for Jessica Hays.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the cum from my ear and put on my pants. I say goodbye to Angelina Jolie and I fly to a Paris where I am a porn star. I feel crunchy about what I do, sure I’d rather be a mechanic in Lakeland, MN, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of boys that I can jump.

My morning is pretty yellow. Aside from my 6 trips to the outhouse to crap and my green encounter with Diana, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Paris Hilton over a blue plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to Italy to kiss Diana, who’s a total pumpkin, and it’s back to the grind, until 3:00 p.m. when I jump in my burned orange bicycle and head for home.

My evening is spent sleeping and listening to 3 Doors Down while playing soccer around the can wishing I was myself and drinking all sorts of Pepsi. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of cats and Dallas-Doing Debbie in underwear.

A typical day for Dean.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the cum from my boob and put on my garter. I say goodbye to Gillian Anderson and I take an airplane to a Alaska where I am a Tech Lead. I feel lovely about what I do, sure I’d rather be a CIO in Minnesota, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of trains so that I can run.

My morning is pretty quick. Aside from my 69 trips to the kitchen to shower, and my slow encounter with Adam, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Jill over a sweet plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to Boston to hug Joe, who’s a total vampire, and it’s back to the grind, until 2:00 p.m. when I jump in my weakly red car and head for home.

My evening is spent sleeping and listening to The Streets while playing polo around the bedroom wishing I was Chris and drinking all sorts of beer. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of boobs and John in a stocking.

A typical day for Dave.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the Mercohnium from my adenoid and put on my spat. I say goodbye to Aimee Fischer and I take the Hindenburg to a sewer where I am a anal-lyst. I feel lascivious about what I do, sure I’d rather be a Comptroller in Zululand, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of pocket gophers that I can reel.

My morning is pretty remorseless. Aside from my one trip to the shower to brush my teeth and my guilt-ridden encounter with Di, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Paige Davis over a incendiary plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to Vietnam to cage fight with Di, who’s a total rape victim, and it’s back to the grind, until quittin’ time, when I jump in my deciduous periwinkle Beetle and head for home.

My evening is spent staring into space and listening to Foo Fighters while lynching in the cat box room wishing I was Hitler and drinking all sorts of root beer. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of severance packages and the psychoexgirlfriend.com guy in a pantaloons.

A typical day for Jenn.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the colostrum from my left knee and put on my sock. I say goodbye to Garfield and I foot to Hawaii where I am an RN. I feel silly about what I do, sure I’d rather be the Queen of All She Surveys in Ireland, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of cats that I can swim.

My morning is pretty orange. Aside from my 7 trips to the kitchen to think and my hot encounter with Di, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Jeff over a weird plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to Canada to chat with Di, who’s a total gorilla, and it’s back to the grind, until high tea when I jump in my squishy platinum Beetle and head for home.

My evening is spent sleeping and listening to U2 while tickling around the closet wishing I was Greg Louganis and drinking all sorts of Coke. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of teeth and Ana in a hat.

A typical day for Diana.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the rubber cement from my big toe and put on my brassiere. I say goodbye to John Cusack and I take a burro to a Ireland where I am an account manager. I feel sticky about what I do, sure I’d rather be a stevedore in Pennsylvania, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of kitties that I can juggle.

My morning is pretty yellow. Aside from my 37 trips to the dining room to wax my upper lip, and my encouraging encounter with Sarah, it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with the Wild Colonial Bhoys over a outstanding plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to IKEA to snuggle with Barb, who’s a total bum, and it’s back to the grind, until 3:30 p.m., when I jump in my crunchy blue train and head for home.

My evening is spent scraping the cat barf off my floor and listening to John Groban while walking around the bathroom wishing I was Queen Elizabeth I and drinking all sorts of Bailey’s. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of pubs and Megan Slankard in a shoe.

A typical day for Sara Camerer.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the boogers from my junga-jungas and put on my knickers. I say goodbye to Colin Firth and I jet to a Stonehenge where I am Whatever I Want to Be. I feel horny about what I do, sure I’d rather be a Chief of Hole Inspection in Ireland, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of puppies that I can skip.

My morning is pretty purple. Aside from my 13 trips to Room 12 brush my teeth and my bumpy encounter with Sarah Haggerty it’s just the same every day.

I break for lunch and draw with Dave Herman over a zippy plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to St. Paul to touch Diana Johnson, who’s a total pickle and it’s back to the grind, until 3:00 p.m. when I jump in my funny green Audi TT and head for home.

My evening is spent sleeping and listening to Sting while having sex in the playroom wishing I was Eleanor Roosevelt and drinking all sorts of Coke with Splenda. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of buggies and Barbie in a socks.

A typical day for Jenni.

On a typical day I wake up, wash the tree sap from my knees and put on my skirt. I say goodbye to Bruce Willis and I moped to a Texas where I am a nurse. I feel strange about what I do, sure I’d rather be a dog walker in Yemen, but this pays the bills and buys me lots of sticks that I can throw.

My morning is pretty intense. Aside from my 25 trips to the sunroom to sing and my loud encounter with Haley it’s just the same every day.I break for lunch and draw with Diana over a uplifting plate of magic mushrooms. A quick jaunt to Target to hug Sarah, who’s a total princess, and it’s back to the grind, until 3:32 p.m. when I jump in my wrinkly green rickshaw and head for home.

My evening is spent knitting and listening to Michael Jackson while drinking around bedroom wishing I was George W. Bush and drinking all sorts of tequila. Then it’s off to bed where I dream of cameras and Craig in a belt.

Check out these fun sites!

This week I have been reading ThinkYou're The Only One? Oddball Groups Where Outsiders Fit In. Here are a few of the organizations who need to be highlighted:

The Church of the Subgenius: Founded by "Bob" in 1953 who believed that a Conspiricy of Normal Humans was out to repress the abnormalities of the nice weirdos of the world. He founded the Church to protect them from the ravages of mainstream society. Motto: Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

The Church of Volkswagenism: Jason Gaudet, the High Priest of Volkswagenism, encourages others to experience the love of VW's and revel in driving them. They have their own scriptures and saints. Motto: Volkwagenism: Followers Wanted.

The Interntional Association of Drunk Bastards: Basically, they drink. It brings a tear to my wee Irish eye. Motto: Bibere ergo sum (I drink, therefore I am).

The International Jewish Conspiracy (InJewCon): Paranoid anti-Semites continue to claim that there exists an international Jewish conspiracy, so someone decided that the best way to mock this idea was to create a public web site to share all of the conspiracy's "secrets". Mottos: From the People Who Brough You Banking. Community, Industry, Deli. Call Your Mother.

Join Me! (Or, the Karma Army): The brianchild of Danny Wallace, who put an ad in a London newspaper that said "Join Me" but he had no idea what for. As a result, he has now formed a cult who perform random acts of kindness, particularly on Fridays (Good Friday). Motto: It's nice to be nice.

The Luxuriant Flowing Hair Club for Scientists (LFHCfS): When many people think of scientists, they think of a small balding man in a lab coat. The LFHCfS aims to remind the public that scientists come fabulously coiffed, too.

National Organization Taunting Safety and Fairness Everywhere (NOTSAFE): NOTSAFE believes that constant regulation errodes our freedom, and the best way to combat regulation is to ridicule it. Mottos: LIVELLAFOTOREHTSITNEMNREVOG. Protecting Everyone from Everything at Any Cost.

No Kidding! The International Social Club for Childless and Childfree Couples and Singles: I think that says it all.

The Paranormal and Ghost Society: Their mission is to seek truth, take photographs, and provide honest reports of paranormal activity.

Peep Researchers: A group which has done numerous scientific experiments on those little marshmallow birds, testing their responses to changes in pressure, temperature, and other external stimuli.

The Society for Basic Irreproductible Research: Mission: To perpetuate a resentment against hypocrisy, to encourage the abhorrence of self-aggrandizement, to deplore the arrogance of many peole, especially in government, to encourage people who call an outrageous exaggeration a lie, and to avoid circumlocution and all of it's aspects.

Dave: The Expansion Pack

So, the other day, Dave looked at my blog and was bummed that he wasn't mentioned in it. Frankly, since he wasn't part of a recent dating escapade, I hadn't thought to add him in. However, I did (see previous posting) and he replied with a bunch of other Dave/Di stories he thinks that the world should know. Here is a brief synopsis (details provided upon request):

• Dave was going out with the Crack Whore (and I use "going out" loosely), got stoned at her house one night, and couldn't find his way home. I get a call from "Somewhere on Highway 100" to come get him...but he had no idea where he was.
• Although I wanted him never to have the Crack Whore in my car, he did, and apprently she pleasured herself for him...in traffic.
• Dave once digitally anally raped Scabby. He claims it was an accident, but I'm pretty sure that he enjoyed it. As a result, Scabby's head is too small for his body.
• In college, Dave barfed in my bathroom, cleaned it up with my bath towel, and threw said towel in the tub for me to find. He still thinks that's the funniest fucking thing ever.
• There is a picture of my ass (etc) out there in the world. The less said about that, the better.
• Dave continues to bitch about the fact that I once drank all his Midori (and I didn't drink ALL of it, but I sure did drink it while I was working campus security....go ahead, MSU...take away my seven dollars an hour!), just to have a reason to bitch at me. (And this is backed up by an email of 6.9.05 yay!)
• Dave let me borrow the Lieberwagon to an interview in the Cities (during college). One had to short out the engine to make it go, and the Wagon had been having a bad day. My mom was so horrified when I showed up in the Wagon hat I never had to beg a ride again.

And, now you know.

"Too Much Christmas"

I'd like to take a moment now to mention my friend Dave, who did not make it into the old blog, and is now having a bit of a crisis because of it. He's a swell guy, even if he lives in Sioux Falls. He and his wife Jenn are expecting their first baby, and I am looking forward to having a little Hatt to corrupt.

Jebus DOES Answer Prayers!

Thank you, Jebus!

Got the message below from last night's date:

Thanks for joining me for dinner last night. The food was good as was the conversation. However to be honest, I felt more of a friend vibe than any real chemistry…so not sure what happens from here….?

Dear Jebus

Oy.

Just got back from another first date. For those of you that are just joining us, I have been out of the dating pool for a while, and am not back trying to find Mr. Right. Or at least Mr. Doesn't Make Me Vomit.

So, I found this one on The Onion Personals. I tend to likeThe Onion cause it has relatively nifty and liberal guys - for the most part you don't get supporters of the Moral Majority on that one.

This guy seemed pretty cool - divorced, couple of kids that live at a distance (sorry to be petty, but I kind of like it like that), employed. Talked over email for a couple days, and then he asked me out. We made arrangements to meet at the Roasted Pear in Burnsville, which I had never heard of.

Met him there tonight. The Roasted Pear is a restaurant that is trying to be unique, but has all the signs of something that is going to soon emerge into a chain. It has good, but not terribly interesting food, and the ambiance leaves a bit to be desired - bad, bad music and the decor isn't really pulled together. It looks kind of like a Bakers Square that's tried to class itself up.

Here are some of the evening's hightlights:

• We sit, and he orders wine. Zinfandel. Now, again call me petty, but I beleive that you can tell a lot about a person by their selection in alcohol. In my world, real men don't drink lite beer. They also don't drink Zinfandel. That's too wussy even for me.
• I am informed that I can order anything that I want...as long as it's not over four dollars. And then he chuckles at his own cleaverness.
• He uses the "quotation marks" with "everything" including "things" that don't need to "be". And it's "fucking annoying".
• Divorced (not that there's anything wrong with that), and not sure where he's "at" emotionally. Was "very depressed" this winter, and seems to have some good anger toward the X (again, not that there's anything wrong with that - I hate mine with an unholy passion most days - but it's not exactly date material).
• Christian. Very much so. Weekly church services and daily prayers. Again, ok...but not for me.
• Thinks that the Minneapolis smoking ban is ridiculous, and doesn't beleive that the government should interfere with private business (yes, do we smell a bit of Republican here)?
• When I ordered a salad, he wanted to know if I had something against meat. My salad actually included chicken and bacon (and again cemented my theory that Everything is Better with Bacon).
• Found out I had pets - wanted to know if I was a "Cat Lady."
• Disclosed that he doesn't have any money (who the hell does?), and that he bought a house he can't afford, has no cash and lots of credit, so if he wants something, he'll "just buy it" on credit, and gave me a rundown of all the useless things that he's bought in the last few days...all on plastic...

Now, he's not a bad person, just a total social moron, and lacking in any kind of idea of dating etiquette. He's SO not my lobster.

And, of course, he thinks I'm fabulous, and will be emailing me tomorrow. Today's Poll: How do you tell someone that you know, in your heart, is going to continue to ask you out with a determination that would made Lance Armstrong a pushover, that you would really prefer if he lost your number???

Wo-Hoo! A New Blog!

Greetings! Welcome to Red-Headed-Stepchild, my verbal meanderings on Life, the Universe, and Everything.

If you want to learn what I was up to before I changed over to Blog City, check me out at the Old Red-Headed-Stepchild.

This is what we need.

The Solution

Sharon Olds

Finally they got the Singles problem under control, they made it scientific. They opened huge Sex Centers-you could simply go and state what you want and they would find you someone who wanted that too. You would stand under a sign saying I Like to Be Touched and Held and when someone came and stood under the sign saying I Like to Touch and Hold they would send the two of you off together.

At first it went great. A steady stream of people under the sign I Like to Give Pain paired up with a steady stream of people from under I Like to Receive Pain. Foreplay Only-No Orgasm found its adherents, and Orgasm Only-No Foreplay matched up its believers. A loyal Berkeley, California, policeman stood under the sign Married Adults, Lights Out, Face to Face, Under a Sheet, because that's the only way it was legal in Berkeley-but he stood there a long time in his lonely blue law coat. And the man under I Like to Be Sung to While Bread Is Kneaded on My Stomach had been there weeks without a reply.

Things began to get strange. The Love Only-No Sex was doing fine; the Sex Only-No Love was doing well, pair after pair walking out together like wooden animals off a child's ark, but the line for 38D or Bigger was getting unruly, shouting insults at the line for 8 Inches or Longer, and odd isolated signs were springing up everywhere, Retired Schoolteacher and Parakeet-No Leather; One Rm/No Bath/View of Sausage Factory.

The din rose in the vast room. The line under I Want to Be Fucked Senseless was so long that portable toilets had to be added and a minister brought for deaths, births, and marriages on the line. Over under I Want to Fuck Senseless-no one, a pile of guns. A hollow roaring filled the enormous gym. More and more people began to move over to Want to Be Fucked Senseless. The line snaked around the gym, the stadium, the whole town, out into the fields. More and more people joined it, until Fucked Senseless stretched across the nation in a huge wide belt like the Milky Way, and since they had to name it they named it, they called it the American Way.

Grab some Kleenex...You're gonna laugh until you cry!

Check out Sarah's blog: Another dream-nugget from the archives of my imagination

Holy Birthday, Batman!

For those of you that are loyal followers of Moi, you will know that my 30th birthday was in April (you can see pictures of the party The Girls threw for me here - and thanks to Barb for being so darn web-savvy!). And you will know that I was kind of bummed/irritated/whatever that MY PARENTS did NOT get me a PRESENT!! WTF???

The Official Excuse was that I am too hard to buy for, and that I hadn't given them any ideas. Whatever! I am a treasure trove of ideas, I love everything, I drop hints all the time, and when the going gets rough, the Di loves diamonds. C'mon! I'm 30!! That deserves something besides balloons!!!!

The parents have TOTALLY redeemed themselves.

This weekend, I was informed that they are taking my sisters and I to LONDON and PARIS in August!!!

Yay!!!!!

Irritation...of the Swelling Kind

Argh.

Just got a call from the Nurse Practitioner at my Immunologist's office....they ran a bunch of labs last week, and once again, nothing is showing up.

We were looking for two main things: thyroid antibodies (not function, but to see if my body is building an intolerance for my thyroid), and that continues to be borderline at 2.0 (same as in September). Once it hits 2.1, they'll start to worry, but for now it's considered "normal".

My C1 esterace inhibitor function is better than it was in September: anything above 67% is normal, my functions were 92% in September, and are now at 97%. Can't get much better than that.

All my other counts were, in her words, "smack dab in the middle" of where they should be. All the complements, hemoglobin, white blood cells, lymphocytes, platelets...normal, normal, normal.

How annoying.

More fun stuff from Blogthings.com

You Are 50% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

By popular request...Di's Dating Sagas....

And so, I again find myself single. To make a long story short, Fabulous John of several posts ago was unable to rise to the occasion, if you catch my drift, and instead of dealing with it like a man, he decided to get rid of me, the "reminder" of his "failure". Whatever.

And, as a result, my new and improved ad is back up on the Onion Personals (you can check me out at 21_seeking_42).

I was telling Barb about one of the responses last night, and she said that I needed to start blogging my dating life, as these stories are just too funny to keep to myself. So, here we go....

I'd been back on The Onion for a couple of days, and got an email from AntiGWBush. Well, gosh, that sounded promising...I, myself, am Anti-GWBush. I clicked on the profile first (go ahead, do it...) and was a bit concerned - I mean, I hate GW, but there is a limit to how much I can bring that into every day conversation. Then, I read his email....below, in red, for your personal amusement:

I thought your profile sounded interesting so I thought I would contact you. I never know what people want to know about me, but I will do my best to write something somewhat interesting.

I am a person who has spent the last decade of my life waking up to the world around me. I graduated from high school without much clue of what I wanted to do with my life. I was very complacent and thought I could get by the way most people got by, that is working in the corporate world. After spending some time doing this however I realized how badly I was being exploited by the people in power along with everyone else that I worked with. I decided that I could no longer work for any company that operated as if profit came before people.

Five years after my high school graduation I decided that I needed to educate myself so that I could effectively challenge the powerful. I started going to college in 2001, and during the first few weeks of class the attacks of September 11th happened. I watched as many Americans suddenly began to blindly follow the Bush Administration into a war which I knew would kill far more civilians than terrorists.

I was an extremely shy person in the past, but when I was confronted with the prospect of living in a country which blindly went to war without a thought of the consequences that war would have on innocent people, I knew I had to speak out. It seemed at first as if I was the only person opposing the war in Afghanistan at first, but as I talked to more people I realized that there were many others who had similar feelings.

I was worried that the Bush Administration was more concerned about spreading American power, than they were about fighting terrorism. When they announced they were going to attack Iraq I felt I had to continue fighting against their plans, so I became more closely involved in the protest movement.

I am not trying to tell you my life story here, I just want to give you an idea of who I am and what is important to me. So let me just wrap up by saying that I just graduated from Hamline University last week, and am now looking to find a job which will either allow me to continue to advocate for causes which are important to me or allow me to serve underprivileged people.

One of the things that attracted me to your ad was that you said you wouldn't drive a car if you didn't have to. I rarely drive myself, and I am also a big supporter of mass transit. I may be forced to get a car soon, because I need to be able to get to work somehow but I almost feel guilty in doing so. I realize the destruction that our appetite for fossil fuels has on our environment, and there is nothing more important to me than our planet.

Anyways, I will let you respond if you want to know more about me. Feel free to ask me any questions. If you are interested in a picture I should be able to find one soon, I just don't have it posted online at this moment.

I guess what I am looking for is just someone who is honest about who they are, and someone who believes in working to make the world better. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be an activist, it just means that you recognize the impact that your life has on others and work towards living that life in the best way possible. I realize that my views are often quite radical, and I by no means expect that you will always agree with them. All that I expect is that you remain open minded and don't just blindly follow me or anyone else.

I am basically just looking for an egalitarian relationship, where we are both equals. My major in college was Sociology, so I understand gender roles and the paternalistic hierarchy that exists in this country. I am a man who is not ashamed to admit that I am a feminist, and I could not in good conscious enter a relationship in which I was expected to take charge over a woman's life. I want to be with a woman who is not ashamed that she is a woman, and does not look to men to guide her life. Some women say they want to be treated as a princess, the thing they don't realize is that far too often the prince grows to be far more powerful than the princess. I am looking for a woman who doesn't want to be treated as a princess, but rather wants to be treated as an equal. I believe that the only healthy human relationships are equal relationships, and if you agree then you should contact me.

First of all, holy fuck! That's a mouthful!

Second, my reasons for not wanting to own a car are primarily not ecological. I mean, I believe in Loving Your Mother and all that shit. But, the real reason is that it irritates me that I pay more for my transportation costs in a month than I do for my rent, and that's just bloody wrong. And, if we had better mass transit in this town, there would be less congestion on the freeways, and I'd be able to use it, and therefore have more reading time in a day. I heart mass transit.

Third, Jebus. I don't think it's a big secret that I'm a liberal, but this guy is too liberal even for me. I have this terrible vision of every conversation revolving against GW (since, even his favorite love scene in movie had a GW reference). Every activity would be some sort of Anti-GW demonstration. I'd have to sell my car so as not to be a sell out to Big Oil (not like I haven't already considered that). I'd probably have to give up my crafting, so as not to conform to the stereotypical roles of women in the home, and learn to be an equal member of a relationship (and, I'm sure that the fact I enjoy those activities is just proof of the brainwashing that I have been subjected to as a woman). And I'm pretty sure sex would be less about getting off than making some sort of political statement. (On the plus side, if he's so into equality, maybe I could have a decent orgasm...).

Maybe being single isn't so bad......

Which Happy Bunny Are You?

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by

I'm gonna try this tactic on my next application....

McDONALD'S JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Blame Mushi...through Barb....

You Are 21 Years Old

21 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Mindless Star Wars Fun - From Ted

:: how jedi are you? ::

The Perfect Day - Alice N. Persons

The Perfect Day

You wake with
no aches
in the arms
of your beloved
to the smell of fresh coffee
you eat a giant breakfast
with no thought
of carbs
there is time to read
with a purring cat on your lap
later you walk by the ocean
with your dog
on this cut crystal day
your favorite music and the sun
fill the house
a short delicious nap
under a fleece throw
comes later
and the phone doesn't ring
at dusk you roast a chicken,
bake bread, make an exquisite
chocolate cake
for some friends
you've been missing
someone brings you an
unexpected present
and the wine is just right with the food
after a wonderful party
you sink into sleep
in a clean nightgown
in fresh sheets
your sweetheart doesn't snore
and in your dreams
and old piece of sadness
lifts away

And some more things about me

You are Betty Grable The ulitmate girl next doorYou're the perfect girl for most guysPretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real. What Famous Pinup Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

You Are the Girl Next Door! You're caring, warm, and the girl that nice guys want to marry.Uncomplicated and simple, you've got an easy going attitude guys love.But this doesn't mean you're dull - far from it!You're a great conversationalist, and you're an expert at living the good life. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Scent is Lemon Vivacious, tangy, and lively You are one gigantic ball of energy! What Scent Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Inner Muse is Thalia You are most like this playful muse of comedy. Life is all about laughter to you, and you're a natural comic. You make people laugh until their sides split. And you're always up for some play time! What Muse Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Gemstone is Topaz Comforting, considerate, and stable. You are down to earth and grounded. What Gemstone Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your Aura is Blue Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor. What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

This will come as no surprise.

You Have Your PhD in Men You understand men almost better than anyone. You accept that guys are very different, and you read signals well. Work what you know about men, and your relationships will be blissful. How Well Do You Understand Men? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

How Well Do You Know Me??

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Well, the alarm went off at quarter to seven, but it seems that I did not actually get up until about twenty after...

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
X-Files. All time favorite!

5. What did you have for breakfast?
I'm sure this will be no surprise, but I didn't go grocery shopping, and therefore am out of bagels. And I was running too late to stop somewhere. So, the short answer is coffee. God bless my employer that keeps us in free caffeine!

6. What is your middle name?
Elizabeth.

7. Favorite cuisine?
Anything but seafood. And no, I'm not allergic - I just don't like it.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Mint. Seafood.

9. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Oh, man...do I have to choose? Cinnamon. Toasted almond fudge. Pretty much anything at GOC or Joe's....

10. What is your favorite CD at the Moment?
Wild Colonial Bhoys: Graffiti on the Wall

11. Favorite Sandwich?
Bacon, havarti and HP on pita. Oh, or ham and pepper jack with pickles. Or corned beef, toasted, with swiss cheese. Maybe I *should* have picked something up for breakfast....

12. What kind of car do you drive?
Crunchy: 2002 Toyota Rav4. Currently looking for a new home, if anyone would like to take him in (for a price).

13. What characteristic do you despise?
Closed-mindedness. (Is that a word? It is now!)

14. Favorite item of clothing?
My Emily t-shirt and black sweatshirt. With jeans and sneakers. Which I am wearing today because it is so bloody cold out!

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
Ireland, baby, Ireland.

16. What color is your bathroom?
Uh...white? I'm not usually awake enough to notice.

17 Favorite brand of clothing?
Brands? What??

18. Where would you like to retire?
Where ever the people I love are.

19. Favorite time of day?
Late evening. Or Sunday mornings.

20. What was your most memorable birthday?
30th. You know, what with getting older, I have to go with the most recent one. :) Actually, it was fantastic....my friends got together to throw me a day that was all about me!

21. Where were you born?
Oakland, CA

22. Favorite sport to watch?'
Curling. :) Basketball, baseball....better live. And I seem to remember liking hockey....

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
Dave. And I always say that just so that he will. :P

24. Person you expect to send it back first?
I'd say Shaggs, cause I bet that she got it from Liz, and she is responding to it now!

25. What fabric detergent do you use?
Uh...whatever smelled good in the store. When I remember to use it. Or whatever my parents have at their house.

26. When is your birthday?
April 7th.

27.Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night, night, night. Hate the mornings.

28. What is your shoe size?
10 or so. My parents used to rent me out to help contain forest fires.

29. What did you want to be when you were little?
A teacher.

30. What field are you in now?
Medical insurance broker. How'd that happen!?!

New Year's Resolutions

Ok, so it's not officially New Year's. Although I would like to point out that April did used to be the beginning of the New Year....It is a new year for me, as I am now 30 (!), and have a few things that I'd like to change at this point in my life.

(A) I'm fat. I can't even pawn it all off on being big-boned. And I think I'm finally tired of it. I have posted my goals and plan on A Jiggle of Fat Chicks Lose Weight and have set my goal at 160. Frankly, I'll be thrilled to get below 200 - it would be the first time since December, 2000. And to be able to buy cute clothes again? Heaven!

(B) I need to get my financial situation back on track. My debt is growing, and although I have taken positive first steps to get it under control, I've yet to follow up on that. And I'm finding that not having a safety net is a real problem - this paycheck alone I've had to find money for glasses, and to cremate Annie - and then I had to get Crunchy fixed, and owe a butt load in taxes (thanks, parents, for picking up those tabs). I lack discipline, and I need to figure out how to *make* myself by responsible.

That should be a good start...

Blasts from the Past

I have learned that every man lives not through care of himself, but by
love ~ Leo Tolstoy

Sunday night, I was at home alone feeling sorry for myself. I'd had a fantastic date on Friday night with a guy that I had been unwilling 37 times a day for a week (literally), but hadn't heard from him since, and had gotten a weird vibe from at the end of the date (the, I don't think I'm going to see you again vibe).

The Sara/hs and I had a craft day all day, and I was obsessing over not only this but my love life in general. And I had pretty much decided that I was gonna call it quits, turn 30 and become a lonely old cat woman. They left, and I was just hanging out, talking to Winona Boy on line, and hoping against hope that Friday Night Boy would get online, too.

And then my cell phone rang. I didn't recognize the St. Paul number, and picked up to hear, "Hi, Diana? This is John. We dated last summer?"

(For those of you just joining the program, some background: John and I had met on Match, and gone out for a few weeks. We'd had a wonderful time, great connection - both mental and physical - and everything seemed to be going great. Introduced him to the friends, and they loved him. Then, one day, he called, said he'd met someone else....I was devastated).

To summarize, he said that he'd been dating someone at the same time he was seeing me, and he had to make a decision between the two of us, and in his words, he made the wrong decision. :) He said he'd been a bit weirded out by the fact that I was still married (and who can blame him?).

He asked if we could start over again.

I said yes.

(Please, oh, please, yes!)

We met at Dunn Bros. for coffee that night - he greeted me with a kiss, and it was like we'd never spent these months apart. Took a walk, sat outside for a while (yes, it was 70 degrees on April 3...).

He said that he'd always wondered what would have happened if we hadn't broken up.

I said we should find out.

We went to my place, and snuggled for a while. He kissed me and told me that he dreamed of having the opportunity again....

I've never been so happy. Please, please, please may this work...

Sometimes I do not understand....

My mother.

A few weeks ago my mom and I were discussing what I should do with my wedding rings. I don't want to have them made into something else for either myself or my sisters, as that is bad karma, and I cannot trade them in at the jeweler as they are considered "diamond fashion jewelry" instead of wedding. Whatever. That is neither here nor there.

So, to get ideas, I asked my mom what she had done with her first set of weddng rings. She told me she still had them - that they were in the safe deposit box. I had actually seen them a few years ago, when my dad and I had gone in there for something, but didn't know that's what they were. I told her that, and she asked me if I'd like them. ???? As you all know, my biological father is not something that is ever discussed....I told her that I'd like to have them, but that I would like to wear them, and woudln't that make her feel weird? She said no, and the subject was dropped. I figured that she'd forget all about it, and it would be the end.
Today, she came by work to drop off some stuff for me, and had the wedding rings with her, along with the matching necklace that she said I "should have too."

I love them, and plan to wear them, and think it's really cool that my mom was finally able to get over herself enough to pass them on. It's funny that it took almost 30 years after my birth and 25 years after the divorce for her to be ok with things....

Some Fun Facts....From Sara and John

• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge (you may count them if you'd like )
  A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
  A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  A shark is the only! fish that can blink with both eyes.
  A snail can sleep for three years.
  Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
  Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age!
  Butterflies taste with their feet.
  Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
  Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
  February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
  In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. !
  If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
  If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
  It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
  Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
  Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
  No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
  purple.
  On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
  building is an American flag.
  Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
  stop growing.
  Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and
  "lollipop" with your right.
  The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
  The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
  The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
  a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
  letter of the alphabet.
  The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
  The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
  There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  There are more chickens than people in the world.
  There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
  tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
  There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
  order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
  There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
  Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
  Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
  Women blink nearly twice as much as men. !
  Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
  otherwise it will digest itself.
  If you yell for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
  If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
  A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
  The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
  length of a football field.
  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  Right-handed people live, on average, for nine years longer than left-handed
  people.
  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
  Starfish have no brains.
  Polar bears are left-handed.

Happy Valentine's Day

From Suzanne:

My plan for Valentine's Day:

Take self out for nice dinner.
Romance self with Mexican food and salsa.
Take self home for a few drinks; try to get self slightly drunk.
Try to take advantage of myself.

My dear friend, remember that there are many kinds of love.

26 Questions Sarah Has Always Wanted Answers To....

Hell, maybe some other people would like the answers, too!

1) What's the best gift you've ever received, and why?
A red umbrella for my 7th birthday - it was exactly what I wanted (I have no idea why I was so into umbrellas, but there you go). It was also the year that my mom told me that she couldn't afford to throw me a roller-skating birthday party like all of my friends were having....but then managed to arrange it and make it a surprise for me.

2) What one class would you like to re-attend (from grade school all the way up?)
Hmm....probably my 11th grade psychology class. Mrs. Partington was really cool (in my itty-bitty high school, she was also the English teacher) and taught a lot about the paranormal and cults, etc - the part that I was always really interested in. Guess it's no wonder I was an X-Phile later in life.....

3) What's the earliest phone number you've had that you can remember?
944-7330. The phone number at the house we lived in when I was 5-15.

4) Describe your mood today by telling me which album you know that would most closely match it.
"The Beauty of the Rain" Only I'd have to change it to snow. Yay for sticky, pretty snow!

5) What made you pick the institution of higher education that you attended (or did not attend)?
Well, when I graduated from high school, there were two dilemmas: (1) I didn't know if my family would be moving soon (we were in IA at the time) and (2) I did not -repeat- did not want to live at home and go to community college like my parents wanted me to. So, what did I do? We moved to MN, and I went to community college and lived at home like my parents wanted me to. (As they refused to release their financial records so I could get loans, etc, it was about my only option, as I could pay for it). After I was done at Normandale, I was going to go to the U and keep my HR job (although the U did not, at that time, have an HR major, I figured the work experience was more valuable than the actual degree). Well, I got laid off from that job the summer I finished my Associate's, so I moved down to Mankato because they were the only state (read: cheap) school that had my major.

6) Which of the following common ailments do you find most annoying, and for what reason? Chapped lips, paper cuts, blemishes.
Well, I deal with blemishes pretty much all the time, so I can't be annoyed by them too much, as it takes up too much energy/time. I'm gonna say paper cuts - they hurt like h3ll, and they are always in the MOST inconvenient place.

7) Why would you / did you befriend a disorganized, melodramatic, neurotic brainiac like me?
Cause I got you in the divorce. :)
Wow - that's a hard one. We knew each other for quite a while before we were really friends - you took me under your wing after FW left, and proved to be a marvelous human being, as well as my separated at birth twin. I know I can always talk to you and get an honest opinion - even if I don't like it. And I think that is a really rare quality and one that I value in you. And, you keep getting me hooked on new and exciting crafts, blast you. :)

8) Tell me the nicest compliment you can remember getting.
"Di has stories....and they're all true...."

9) What's the world's best scent, and why?
The smell of that special someone...I bet I could pick all of my ex's out of a lineup....

10) Why is garlic in all the dishes that are served in "romantic" restaurants?
Cause if it's really love, garlic breath doesn't matter.

11) What's the best part about the job you have right now?
Getting to help people figure out their complicated medical bills/claims, and teaching them how to do it later so that they are more informed consumers.

12) Why did women decide to toss aside their dresses and shoes for pants and workboots? How come we don't dress like ladies anymore?
I think there are two reasons: (1) as women entered the business world, they no longer wanted to dress like ladies, as that drew more attention to them as women, and less as co-workers (cause we all know women just aren't capable...). And (2), bloody uncomfortable!!

13) What do you imagine is said about you most often when you leave a room?
"Bitch"

14) Who do you most miss in your life right now?
My grandparents

15) What do you think Mona Lisa is smiling at?
Jeez, can't the poor woman have any secrets?

16) Of what ancestral heritage are you most proud to claim, and why?
My Irish - interesting history, allowance to drink all I want, and a beautiful homeland. What more can a girl want?

17) What holiday do you most dread, and why?
Thanksgiving. One reason: The Waltons all day marathon. God save me from John Boy.

18) Why, oh why, does Microsoft make god-forsaken counterintuitive products that still manage to get used in every organization I have ever worked for?
Because Bill Gates is Satan, and his supporters (ie, head honchos of corporations) need to support their won.

19) What do you think MY job entails (I know what I do, but I don't know what other people think...)
Uh, instructional design? I think you get topics that the average person should know about to do their job - but don't - and then make fun and creative training presentation for them. I bet that they walk away from those feeling refreshed, energized, and ready to do a good job as a CSR. :)

20) What ARE all the words to "It's the End of the World As We Know It?"
That’s great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and
Snakes, an aeroplane and lenny bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
Serves it’s own needs, dummy serve your own needs. feed
It off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, ladder
Start to clatter with fear fight down height. wire
In a fire, representing seven games, a government
For hire and a combat site. left of west and coming in
A hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. team
By team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped
Look at that low playing! fine, then. uh oh,
Overflow, population, common food, but it’ll do. save
Yourself, serve yourself. world serves it’s own needs,
Listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
The revered and the right, right. you vitriolic,
Patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
Psyched
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine
Six o’clock - tv hour. don’t get caught in foreign
Towers. slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
Churn. locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood
Letting. every motive escalate. automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a votive. step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
Fear cavalier. renegade steer clear! a tournament,
Tournament, a tournament of lies. offer me solutions,
Offer me alternatives and I decline
(chorus)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (it’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it (it’s time I had some time alone)
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it’s time I had some time alone)
I feel fine
(repeat chorus)
The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
Drift divide. mountains sit in a line, leonard
Bernstein. leonid brezhnev, lenny bruce and lester
Bangs. birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! you
Symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? right
(repeat chorus)
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine (it’s time I had some time alone)
(repeat chorus 2x)
Fine
It’s the end of the world as we know it (it’s time I had some time alone)

21) Tell me about a secret indulgence in which you love to partake, but not very many others know about.
Fudge Stripes. God, I love Fudge Stripes. That's why I can't have them at home - I'll eat the entire package in two days. If that.

22) What's the best "family name" you've got a claim to (IE, your uncle Egebert...)?
Jagertha VanSickle. No lie. A distant great aunt, I believe.

23) Quick - you're invited to a dinner party. What's the most tempting menu you hope to be offered?
Anything cheesy and meaty. But especially cheesey.

24) When is the last time you hand-wrote and mailed (with postage) a paper letter?
Friday. I write five letters a week to clients.

25) Think way back: what was the best art project you ever did while in school? What made it so fantastic?
I SUCKED at art. I'm not terribly creative visually, and I have zero hand eye coordination - have you SEEN my handwriting?? Probably the best thing (or the one that I remember) was a pillow I made in Home Ec in 7th grade - it matched my room (peach and green - it was the 80's). It two E's back to back - one for Edina (yes, I hail from there) and one for Elizabeth (my middle name, but I always liked it better than my first name). It's fuzzy. :)

26) You're very, very late to something incredibly important one morning, and you are also wickedly hung over. You have to choose to do only one of the following: you either get to shower or drink coffee. You can't do both; which do you pick, and why?
Shower. I may be a total bee-youch without my caffeine, but I cannot be seen in public without a shower. My hair would frighten small children, and now that it's short, I can't tame it as well as I used to be able to...

How Many Men Does It Take To Lift a Woman's Spirit?

From This American Life, 1995. A woman unplugs her toaster, wraps the cord around it, and suddenly her apartment is empty.

I am two weeks away from the big move. Although I have been wanting this move for almost a year - since the day after FW left - I have found that I am unmotivated to get it going. Why?

This is IT. This apartment is the final tie to my marriage - the place we lived together the longest, the place that I came back to after others had not worked out (it was the marriage, and not the venue, that was flawed?). In two weeks, I will live in an apartment that is - for the first time in three years - mine. Fresh. With no memories. Somewhere I cannot picture him in, where he will not be allowed to be seen out of the corner of my eye. I will sleep in a bedroom where no one has been invited, and put my clothes in a closet that is only for me.

And, while I am happy to be making this move, and to leave the 60's cinder block cookie dough beige hell that I have been living in, the thought that this is the final step away from my marriage, and from the person that I thought I loved (and, for perhaps, a brief while, I really did love), gives me pause. What is left of me in this place? And what part of me will I leave behind when I slip the keys under the door?

Things I Learned About Myself

It is not the goal but the way there that matters, and the harder the way the more worthwhile the journey ~ Wilfred Thesiger

The whole Dean Drama is over.

After worrying about it, and being more nervous for out meeting than for anything else I can think of in recent memory, it's all done.

I went to meet him at the Indian place by my work, and he was way late - so late that I was thinking that I'd been stood up, and was about to head to McDonald's for sustenance, and back to work. I saw him, finally, standing outside waiting for me. I leaned out the front door and asked, "You didn't think I was going to stand out here and freeze my ass off waiting for you, did you?"

We had lunch - buffet - and talked. Got caught up on what had happened in the three and a half years since we'd last seen each other (that was the first question he asked - how long as it been?). He's still cute. He's still funny. He still has a great job and loves public radio, and goes fishing for muskie.

And, during the lunch, the realization finally came to me that, despite all the thoughts to the contrary over the last three and a half years - through all the times I thought of him while I was married, and all the times I fantasized about getting back together after the marriage ended - he is not my lobster.

Maybe he was three and a half years ago. Maybe he was perfect for the 26-year-old Di, the one that wanted to save him, and was amused by his constant commentary on those around him. But the 29-year-old Di needs more, and doesn't want to live n the 'burbs, and has experienced too much to settle with someone who doesn't see things the same way. I saw that if, by some chance, he lost the two year girlfriend (with whom things are "fine", but he wants to flirt with me), that either I would be back in the same, not-quite-me wife rut, or that I wouldn't be able to satisfy him either, and in a couple of years some other old girlfriend will come out of the woodwork.

No, thanks. I'll keep looking for Lobbie (as Sarah refers to him), and be grateful that I learned my lesson.

Dream Journal 2.0

If you want to see the inner workings of my brain at night, check out my new online dream journal at red-headed-stepchild-dreams.blogspot.com.

Regrets....I've had a few....

And one of them sent me an email last week.

About three and a half years ago, I met Dean on Yahoo personals (back when they were free!). After a bunch of emails (like, 20 a day) we got together - our first date was at the MIA, and due to an ongoing joke we'd had about my knees, I bought my first short skirt in years to wear to the date (I still have it). He was wounded (just like I like 'em) from a recent divorce. We hit it off, talked for hours.

Went out a few more times - took him to the fire tower in my St. Paul neighborhood (I was hoping he'd kiss me - he didn't). We both got off early on September 11, and hung out that afternoon, talking about what had gone on.

He went on a sabbatical in late September - the company he worked for at the time gave every employee six paid weeks off every four years to do whatever you wanted. He rented a cabin in Wisconsin to go muskie fishing (he's a fanatic). Kissed me for the first time as he was leaving my place the night before he left. Called me from a bar in town (no phone in the cabin) the last weekend of his sabbatical, and decided to come home early to see me. Made out like bandits that night, until he ran away. Didn't hear from him for a couple weeks.

In the meantime, I meet FW. Shagged him. Had to tell Dean that I couldn't see him anymore, because my rule of thumb is once you shag someone, you should not be shagging anyone else (and I SO SO wanted Dean...but he wasn't ready).

Two months later, Dean emailed me to see if it was his turn. But I was already engaged...he lamented the bad timing.

Flash forward two years. FW has left me. The divorce is in the works. And I swear on everything that is sacred to me, one of the first thoughts I had after FW left was, I need to get in contact with Dean.

Because, I had never forgotten about him. Regretted that I had given him up for FW - someone who so could have been a match for someone who so wasn't. Thought about him all the time. And even FW knew it - one time when he was lamenting about how I could have done better, I told him about Dean, and, trying to be a good wife, told him that I had chosen HIM over someone who was successful in his career, owned his own home, etc. And I think that he knew that I was carrying a torch for Dean.

So, I did a bit of research, and while I couldn't remember his email address, I did find his real address online. So, I dropped him a card - hey, how you doing, wanna catch up sort of thing. Figured I'd never hear anything.

Two days later, I got an email from Dean.

Then followed three days of flirtatious email. Very steamy. When I finally asked him out, he informed me that he had a gf. Not cool. But lamented how he should have taken the opportunity that was presented to him in the past. Told me that he was still kicking himself, and had replayed that night over and over in his mind, but changed the ending....

So, I wrote him off. Had a girlfriend. Well, at least I knew. Bad timing again. And maybe just not meant to be altogether. Being the sentimental fool that I am, I kept all of his emails. Finally decided it was stupid a couple weeks ago, and deleted them all.

Last Friday, I got an email from him:

So.... Hi... :) For some odd reason I feel the compelling need to say hi. :)

Again, a couple of days of steamy emails. Still kicking himself. Still has a girlfriend. I got fed up, and sent the following:

I am indeed a redhead. And you know what they say about redheads.

Listen up, cause I'm gonna say this once. And please excuse me if I'm blunt, but I never picked up that HR niceness that I probably should have. But I have always been very, very sorry that I let you out of my life due to my impatience, and gave up something that could have been really good for that wanker I married. But I did, and it can't be undone. Bad timing, indeed.

I thought of you often - very often - during my marriage, which was not a good one, and was something that I regretted from the very beginning. One of my first thoughts after my ex moved out was that I should get in contact with you, and see if perhaps we could start from where we left off. Well, of course your life had moved on - as well it should - and we were again subject to bad timing. But, I had to know.

And, now, ten months after I last hear from you, I get a hi, and a few days of some pretty steamy emails. But, you have a girlfriend. And that's fine - but I've been in enough relationships - good and bad - to know that when one of the parties is looking up an old flame, something is not right in the relationship.

It's not for me to judge, nor tell you what to do, or give unsolicited advice.
But I've also been the "other woman" enough to know that I won't do it again - in any capacity.

I deserve better - and want more from you - than a string of sexy emails. You need to live your life the way you see fit, and so do I. And part of me living my life is not allowing myself to be played like this.

The response I got:

Fair enough, and I fully deserve far harsher words. You are right, you deserve more. Actually you are right about a whole lot. You're right to want more, you're right about my current relationship. And I appologize, it really isn't my MO to be a jerk.

My lunch offer stands, as a platonic jesture, to catch up on two ships who have crossed paths.

So, I've agreed to have lunch with him - tomorrow. And I'll wear a short skirt, and be all sorts of fabulous. And he'll see what he's missed out on. And so will I. As much as I would like to think that he'll be overwhelmed by me and immediately dump the gf and declare his undying love for me, I know that won't happen. But a girl can always dream, can't she....?

Mensa Words

Every year, there is a contest where people can take an existing word, change one letter to make a new word, and define it. Here are this year's winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: When everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes and then the Earth explodes.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

And, here, the Sara(h)s use their new words in conversation:

Haggerty:
We've been kicking around the idea of moving into another home, but the thought of being any more cashtrated than we already are is too painful.

Camerer:
Just think, if you got a larger home, you might be a victim of giraffiti. With your height issue, it would be difficult for you to clean this off without a ladder.

Haggerty:
If I fell off a ladder and died cleaning my large home's roof, I would hope that John would not end up with osteopornosis in my absence.

Haggerty:
Who do you think George W. Bush was before he was reintarnated as a Texas politician?

Camerer:
Perhaps he was a man with a lot of glibido, something he still suffers from today.

Camerer:
Why do white men, in general (as in not Jimmy at least), look like they are having a arachnoleptic fit when they try to dance?

Haggerty:
I regularly experience the presence of beelzebug in the upper room of the cabin on July weekends.

Camerer:
The only time that I can survive a dose of decafalon is when I am not working and I can sleep until 9 AM and eat late meals that end up being healthy because I am too lazy to fix anything but a salad.

Haggerty:
I am looking forward to the annual celebration of intaxication that will happen in February or March this year, no matter how small or fleeting the money may be.

Camerer:
John Cosgrove is the only person that makes me feel like I have a bozone issue. Thank god, it's only for one night a month that I feel this way and that many others experience this as well!

Haggerty:
It is safely said that Sara's last two bosses at Mervyn's could both be classified as complete ignoranuses.

Camerer:
People seem to succumb to the Dopeler Effect when they are looking for solutions in the workplace. This is why our careers in HOD will be steady and entertaining for us.

Haggerty:
I'm afraid that our good friend Dave has a serious case of hipatitis. I hope that it is contagious.

Camerer:
I tend to experience a lot of sarchasm when I am emailing/IMing people who do not understand my sense of humor. I tend to confuse them because they think I am being serious for some reason.

Haggerty:
Because John didn't tell me he was sleeping in today, I had to inoculatte myself at Caribou this morning.

Camerer:
I almost gaged and turned caterpallor when I looked at the apple I bit into and found half a bug sticking out. I promptly spit that piece of apple out!

Haggerty:
The duck blog was fun when it started, but quickly turned into Karmageddon before the holidays. (tee hee hee)

Camerer:
When Diana uses Match.com to meet men, she has to filter through a lot of foreploy in order to find a guy that is a keeper. Too bad her foreploy meter is out of service.

Am I a Loser?

More Nifty Test Results

More Quotes of the Day

Man, Sarah just keeps finding them!


Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you. Wally 'Famous' Amos (1936 - )


A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry Seinfeld (1954 - )

Quote of the Day

"The manner in which one endures what must be endured is more important
than the thing that must be endured."
Dean Acheson

2005.....Finally!!!!

So, 2004 was the worst year of my entire life (ok, so it's only been 29+ years....it was still a damn bad year!!). Let's review:

• My Grandpa died
• Got fired from a job I hated (but at least it paid me....)
• My husband, the child-molesting thief, left me
• Temp job - auditing a pension fund.
• Broke, broke, broke...all year....
• Scabby's medical emergency (adding to the broke problem)
• My husband refuses to divorce me!!!
• Finally, as my divorce becomes final, and it looks like everything is going to be good, find out that ex-psycho landlord, Brad, has put that I skipped on my renter's report, rendering me unable to rent a new place....

So, as the last few minutes of 2004 slipped away, I felt relief. It was literally a physical relief - I stood taller, and along with my friends, began to dance. 2005 may not be the best year of my life (then again, who knows?) but I am so darn glad that 2004 is over, that I will continue to dance for the next 12 months.

My True Names

Darn Barb and her cool things! Although, according to her blog, I should really blame Mushi for guiding me to these sites that reveal my true names....

My Hobbitt Name: Pansy Brandybuck of Buckland
My Elfin Name: Gilraen of Dorthonion
My Vampire Name: Duchess of Drac - known in some parts of the world as Poison of the Underworld
My Indian Name: Katie ElasticJunko
Secret Christmas Name: Fuzzy Dancing-Gnome
Viking Name: Diana the Red
Lesbian Name: Tulip LightRock